5 Comments

  1. Anonymous said:

    22 July 2011

    Dear D. Barstow: Do you use gag writers? If so, I have a batch for you to look at.

    1. Driver approaches road sign ?Welcome to Crazyville?; adjacent traffic sign reads: ?Right Lane Must Turn Left.?

    2. Old man with cane to his wife leaving movie theater: ?I liked the part where the old man clobbered the punk with his cane.?

    3. Boyfriend to girlfriend as they leave her mother?s house after dinner: ?I did not come on to your mother. And I certainly did not come on to your grandmother.?

    4. Woman golfer to another attempting shot from sandtrap: ?Think of it as getting out of a bad relationship.?

    5. Having just returned to apartment all torn and disheveled after her date, woman to roommate: ?We were like two ships that pass in the night?except we collided.?

    6. Exiting Morton Arboretum, wife to nonplused husband driving: I couldn?t see the arboretum for the trees.?

    7. Heaven. Women surrounded by empty chocolate boxes. One, having just finished box, to angel pushing cart filled with more boxes of chocolates: ?Another box of chocolates? Don?t mind if I do.?

    8. Man orders in Chinese restaurant: ?And can I have a side order of MSG??

    9. Desert island. Water is up to castaways? necks as they lean against palm tree; one to the other: ?If the ice caps keep melting, we?re goners.?

    10. Couple celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary wear T-shirts; wife?s says VELCRO, husband?s TEFLON.

    11. Corral. Cowboy with bullhorn is taken away from horse. Caption: HORSE WHISPERER LOSES IT

    12. As woman leaves poet Robert Herrick, he muses: ?Women! Can?t live with them, can?t live without their brave vibrations each way free!? Caption: POET ROBERT HERRICK GETS DUMPED

    13. Living room. Young woman, visiting parents, to shocked mother, who is attractive and exquisitely groomed. Her slob father sprawls on sofa, asleep with his mouth open after downing many beers in front of the TV: ?I?m sorry, Mom. I thought you knew you were mated but not matched.?

    14. Bedroom. Woman in bed to depressed impotent man sitting on edge of bed: ?Man up.?

    15. Men?s restroom. Old man, washing his hands, to old man at door who?s zipping up his fly: ?Forgetful is forgetting to zip up; senile is forgetting to unzip.?

    16. Fireman to another as fire truck is stalled and engine is on fire: ?This is embarrassing big time.?

    17. Airline passenger in body cast and neck brace to frightened passenger next to him: ?You call this turbulence? Pshaw! You don?t know what turbulence is until you?ve been swept up in a tornado funnel cloud and blown through two barns and land against a cement grain silo.?

    18. Mother to young daughter as they walk past men loitering on corner: ?Your father?s a dude, and he?s not completely worthless.?

    19. Patient to nurse chasing him around hospital bed: ?You know what you can do with your suppositories!?

    20. Park. Father sitting on bench with baby carriage to woman: ?My sympathetic labor pains were so bad they had to give me an epidural.?

    21. Husband comes home to find wife in bed with another woman, says: ?For heaven?s sake, Shirley?can?t you do better than my ex-wife??

    22. Wife with butcher knife bursts into room and says to husband in bed with another woman: ?Prepare yourself, Arnold! You?re about to undergo gender reassignment surgery!?

    George Kontos

    July 22, 2011
  2. George Kontos said:

    D. Barstow: To paraphrase Lewis Black, F**k, etc!

    George Kontos, after having just hit the Add your Reply button.

    July 22, 2011
    • said:

      Okay, this went into spam because you used the f word. Glad to hear you have an email!

      July 31, 2011
  3. said:

    George,
    You must live in a very small town. It’s not safe to have your address here, so I’ve deleted it. And you don’t have email?????

    My question: have you ever sold a cartoon to a cartoonist who has been in the New Yorker? (not, have your gags sold – but if the cartoonist him or herself has ever sold there?)

    July 31, 2011
  4. Je Moeder said:

    I have contacted the New Yorker and the nice person at HR told me they had never heard of you. Why would you lie about your employment history?

    July 3, 2012

Comments are closed.