That bird has no foot.

The two most important people in a Bachelorette season are the main player – the Bachelor or the Bachelorette- and the editor. The player, the star, can’t be faked by the editing: he or she has to be attractive, compelling, and real. The editing is not real at all. Tell me a bedtime story…

Jillian is by far my favorite Bachelorette yet, and I like so many of the men on her season, too! You know why? They’re smart. (well, some of the men. After the Men Tell All, we know that some are just dicks.) Jillian cannot only talk without a teleprompter, she’s witty and candid and sincere. Every time she cries, I start to, too. That’s real emotion welling up in her eyes, and her whole face swells with shock or sadness when the men (producers) let her down. She’s not naive, but she is trusting. She’s humble enough to reveal her fear that if one guy left (for his job) other guys might do the same, and leave her, as well. Yet she has an inborn cheerfulness that starts each day with high hopes!

She’s a little bit lusty, she eats and drinks (it may be the first time ever that we have seen the star of the show eating), but she does everything with polish and dignity. I love her accent and her squeaky voice, and even her squees when she meets the guys.

She’s also more forgiving than I: she was so gracious to Dave at the Men Tell All, when she accepted his apology for his groping her! (And yes, his grabbing the top of her blouse definitely was.) And since I still believe she’ll end up with Ed, she was pretty dismissive of? how damn drunk he was in that clip. Cute, yes, but I would have wondered about an alcohol problem.

But the amazing part is that she can also play The Bachelor(ette) game, which is to pretend to love 4 or 3 or 2 men so very much that she has no idea what to do, or who will win! She’s flummoxed! She knows it’s actually just a mystery story, and she’s good, she’s really good.

I also love the money the producers (Fleiss) spent this year, having 30 bachelors instead of the time-honored 25. And spending a week on a beautiful train trip across Canada, going to Spain, and then to Hawaii. Okay, the last 2 are kind of boring – Hawaii isn’t that different from parts of Cali – but Canada was cool. Jillian must have said how grateful she was to have this opportunity, to be in this place, with these men, 20 times. But it never gets boring when you give thanks. Best Bachelorette ever.

Now, Deanna wasn’t bad as a spectacle, a side-of-the-road-calamity. To watch Graham Bunn (and I laughed so hard when someone on the boards pointed out that his parents must have just gone to a bakery before they named him) sidle away from her, and then run for his life – while she instinctively attacked him, as a cat swipes at a mouse – was horrifying, and riveting. Anyone who’s been dumped knew what was happening, but she never got it. After all, she was The Bachelorette!

And to watch Jason fall for Molly, but pick Melissa, then drop her, obviously because she’s as boring as a rock, and then pick Molly – that was shocking.

But this season was wonderful.

The camera (editing) focused on Tanner P so much at the Rose Ceremonies that I couldn’t help but notice what a good looking man he is. But the editing, and prodding of the producers made him the Foot Fetish guy. We all groaned at the beginning. I mean his description of foot problems really was gross. But after a while, why does it matter if a man prefers feet to breasts, or ass, like asshole Dave? And I don’t believe it was really a fetish. He just likes them and knows how to riff. He’s a total improv guy – I meet them all the time out here in LA. Kudos, Tanner. I’ll miss you.

Another guy I thought was really handsome is Robby the bartender. Even though he is currently unemployed, 25, and lives with his parents. Still, sexy. But the really strange thing is that he can’t form sentences. Sure, words come out in perfect English. BUT WHATEVER HE SAYS NEVER MAKES SENSE. I don’t think he’s stupid, and maybe it was the cameras, but that kind of took the edge off him.

Most of the time was spent on Wes, of course. When they were in Spain, and Jillian asked him what he thought about their relationship, and he said, “That bird’s got no foot,” I was shocked. I figured it was some kind of strange Texas expression – he was always pushing that. Meaning, of course, that their relationship had nothing to stand on. Later on, when she said she wanted to clear up some things, and he said, “Yes, let’s clear the table” I thought he was in a rage and might throw everything on the floor. He made a sweeping motion with his hand. It wasn’t until later that I realized that he meant, “Let’s clear the AIR.” So he’s not good with analogies.

But the other thing I thought was that he meant the bird had NO FEET. I was quite upset. He didn’t say just one foot, he said no feet. Obviously it wouldn’t be able to balance. My canary is missing a toe, which I didn’t notice when I bought him. This means that when I carry the cage he balances himself by sticking his tailfeathers into the bars of the cage to help lever himself. That’s how important every part is for a creature to balance, and he’s only missing a toe, not a foot!

Later on, when Wes was let go, and started giving interviews to the media, in spite of the awesome? contracts all contestants on The Bachelorette have to sign that forbid them from telling secrets, we found out that he said that about the bird at a totally different point in the conversation. That most of what he said was spliced, diced, and resliced. Hello there, Mr. Editor!

Personally, I don’t believe he had a girlfriend, and so what if he was there to sell an album? Half the contestants are would-be actors. Same dif. But the editing ruined, absolutely ruined any good feeling the audience had about the guy. I’m afraid for his singing future. I think it was heinous. Hate you, Editor.

Speaking of, I truly love Ed. When he left, I was in tears, too, and when he came back, oh my gah, I was so so excited. I’ve never been so excited about any other couple. They are so obviously totally in love. I can’t take my eyes off them. And then….the EDITORS. In the fantasy suite they indicate, point towards, make sly references about, allude to in the most vauge way, that Ed had a big problem in the bedroom in the overnight. Erectile Dysfunction. About a man we’ve grown to love (well, some of us. Reid fanatics may have us outnumbered by now.) The “plot” is that Ed had ED and then had to try to win Jilly’s trust again, that IT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.

I’m sure he just fell asleep after an entire day in the ocean and in the sun. He was terribly sunburned, and I blame the producers for that. Lost takes care of the skin of all of its actors – why can’t Fleiss take care of his on The Bachelorette? Really disgraceful of the show. And I have to add, I read most of the boards, but when you go to the scary ABC boards, you realize why this country isn’t doing as well as it could. There are so many dumb people, really really stupid people out there. It’s not just education, it’s an ability to think or reason or analyze or see any subtext anywhere.

An editor at one of the biggest publications in the country recently told me that they need cartoons to be like bricks. I was witty, but too subtle… be brickier!

Even bricks would not help some TV viewers, I promise. They actually believe everything they see. Everything. And they will believe until the day they die that Jillian is a horrible person because she did not pick the guy they had a crush on. That Wes is a cad. And that Ed has ED.

Mr. Editor, you will never get an Emmy. Bad people don’t get Emmys.( In a good world.) Anyway, I’m not in the Academy, so I can’t vote, but clever as you are – there was a lot of drama, and some shocking moments, even before the Final Rose next Monday – it’s not nice to ruin people’s lives. The Golden Rule rules.

Anyway, Reid is very witty and funny, and I know Philly very well, so I get him. But can’t stand that he told Jillian she is not his type, and that he has to use his arms to say he likes her THIS MUCH. Not amusing. Kiptyn has been painted as so boring, I have nothing to say. (I don’t know, maybe the editor was on a break?) But my heart is with Ed. Ed FTW.

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Lucky me, not only do I get to do a cartoon for Slate whenever I want (usually 2 or 3 a week, time permitting), I am now the cartoonist for Double X, Slate’s site for women! (which sounds a little sexist, doesn’t it, that Slate is too manly? But every time I go over to Double X I find something I have to read, right away, so they must be doing something right!)

I don’t know what Double X means. Don’t women have both a y and an x chromosome?? Anyway, I’m in there every other Tuesday, and sometimes a day in between. I was very pleased that they grabbed my Sarah Palin cartoon (the black and white one), wearing the cool t-shirt, and this week they used the cartoon above about The Bachelorette. They’re good at ledes, and they called this one, Confessions of a Trash TV Addict!

I beg your pardon. The Bachelorette is not trash. Is it? But they got the addicted part right.